Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Progress report
Starting weight: 182 lb.
Current weight: 162.8 lb.
Current week: -.2 lb.
Total weight loss: -18.8 lb.
This week a guy from my past contacted me. He wanted to get together for lunch. Basically, he heard I had a book deal and wanted to work on a project with me — to see if I could help him get published.
Of all the people I ever went out with he was by far the cruelest. He hit on my friends, constantly commented on how only average-looking girls liked him, told me I should lose weight (mind you I was 30 pounds lighter at the time), and said some things that still make me tear up when I think about them today.
And I put up with it.
Because I felt he was being honest. Why would someone say those things if they weren’t true?
Right after him I met someone amazing. Someone who said and did all the right things. And was a genuinely great guy.
Which made me think — what was wrong with him? Why didn’t he see the "flaws" that the other guy saw? Was he just masking his disgust? Would he wake up and realize that he made a huge mistake?
I wasn’t taking any chances. I pushed him away.
And I still do that. If someone gets close, I put up a wall. Often I blame my weight. I think, Oh, he wouldn’t like someone my size. So I don’t take the chance. I don’t open up my heart.
But it’s not my weight. It’s me.
If I’m not comfortable with who I am, no one else will be either.
And there are great guys who find me attractive the way I am. Over the past few months I’ve gone out with a couple of them. Ultimately, they didn’t work out. Not because I’m in the 160s; because they weren't the right fit.
I’m working on the self-confidence. I’m working on opening my heart. And I’m working on lowering that wall.
But I’m also working on knowing when to keep it up.
Because some people should not be allowed in. I didn’t get together with that ex. Because I deserve better that that.
We all do.
Categories:
Friends, Love & life, My weight loss
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Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Progress Report
Starting weight: 182 lb.
Current weight: 163.0 lb.
Current week: -.4lb.
Total weight loss: -18.6 lb.
Donuts and ice cream and chocolates. Oh my!
No, it’s not the land of Oz or even Wonka World. It’s my office. It seems like every time I go into the newsroom someone brings in a “treat” to share.
The gesture is nice. But I wish it would stop. Because it’s hard to turn down.
The other day it was donuts, which are not my favorite dessert. And yet the box sitting there was tempting. I wasn’t alone. The two people beside me heard the call of the pastry as well. One gave in — the other wasn’t so sure what to do. He went back and forth. The donut was just five feet away. A bunch of people were already eating them and made them look good. And yet, it wasn’t exactly what he was craving.
“Don’t do it,” I said. “If you’re going to eat something fattening, make it something you really want. Not something that you’re going to eat just because it’s there.”
Ultimately, he didn’t eat it. He decided he was going for drinks after work and preferred to spend his calories there.
I didn’t eat one either. How could I, right after telling someone else it wasn’t worth it? It was time to practice what I preached. The donut wasn’t my first or even tenth choice in favorite snacks. Why waste my POINTS® values on it?
But it took pointing that out to someone else to really make that sink in. So just like I stopped him from eating something he didn’t want, he stopped me.
And so often this blog, your comments, this Community, do the same thing. While I’m not an angel, I am worlds better than when I was not on Weight Watchers.
So thank you for your support! It really does help.
(And, as a side note — and I’m sure many will disagree — if you’re one of those people who brings junk food to share at work, please cut it out! It’s nice, but so not helpful.)
Categories:
Food, My weight loss, Work
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Thursday, January 21, 2010
Progress report
Starting weight: 182 lb.
Current weight: 163.4 lb.
Current week: +.2lb.
Total weight loss: -18.2 lb.
I wish the taste of fast food and junk food repulsed me. I wish when I looked at it I saw something disgusting that would clog my arteries, make me tired, miserable and sick. I wish I could eat only one bite of it and not crave more.
I wish, I wish, I wish.
Right now I’m working on my next book. The one with the deadline that has me stressed. And it’s called Bedeviled: Careful What You Wish For. So, as you can imagine, I’m thinking a lot about wishes.
One of the characters wishes for hot fudge sundaes, a dessert bar in her room and on and on. Truthfully, I do too. Only the fat-free, no-calorie but just-as-delicious kind.
Too bad that only happens in books. And this is reality.
And just like a magic lose-a-dress-size-by-eating-as-many-donuts-as-you-want diet is not ever going to happen, neither is me looking at fattening food and thinking it looks like sewer waste.
But my friend tells me this is a good thing. (FYI, she lost weight on Weight Watchers years ago and has kept it off.) She says she wouldn’t want a life where she couldn’t have a piece of pizza, mashed potatoes, fried chicken, etc. While she appreciates healthy food and does eat it quite a bit, she wouldn’t want to give up the other stuff completely. She enjoys it. So she managed to find a balance.
I think that’s what it keeps coming back to. Balance. Staying within my weekly POINTS® Allowance—and not going overboard.
And this is where I always have the toughest time. I tend to be an all-or-nothing person. If I go to the gym, I want to stay for hours. If I eat ice cream, I eat the whole container. And if I swear off it — I’m off it completely. Until I cave and then binge eat.
I’m trying to work on this — to find a middle ground. Suggestions and tips are always welcome! Because I not only wish — but plan — to reach my goal.
Categories:
Food, My weight loss
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Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Progress report
Starting weight: 182 lb.
Current weight: 163.2 lb.
Current week: -.2lb.
Total weight loss: -18.4 lb.
There are some weeks when I have a million events come up at once — birthdays, weddings, holidays, reunions. They make me nervous because they revolve around food.
But then there are those weeks that are just the opposite. Where I’m on such a tight deadline that I don’t go out at all — I barely leave my apartment. And sometimes those weeks are just as scary.
This was one of them.
My next book is due in two weeks. I’ve pretty much locked myself indoors to get it done. But there’s only so long you can look at a computer without going crazy, so I give myself breaks. And those breaks usually involve me wandering into the kitchen.
Sure, in the beginning I made smart choices. The apple, the banana and so on. But as the days went on, I got more lenient. I went for a second serving of pasta. And then back again. It’s whole wheat, I told myself. I can have thirds. And the more cooped up I felt, the more trips I made back to the fridge.
I saw what I was doing, and it was easy to justify. Eating is keeping me awake, energized, giving me something to do. But really it was just an easy procrastination tool. One that I’ve fallen back on many times. Too many times.
So after a few days on this track, I stopped myself. I changed my schedule. I went to a coffee shop (where I got tea) to write. When my computer battery ran out (after about four hours), I came home. Two days I napped, but on the other I went to the gym while my computer recharged. Then it was back out to another coffee shop and more writing.
It helped me stay within my weekly POINTS® Allowance.
It reminded me that if something is not working, fix it. There are always excuses, but they don’t help. Solutions do.
Categories:
Eating out, My weight loss, Work
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Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Progress Report
Starting weight: 182 lb.
Current weight: 163.4 lb.
Current week: -.6lb.
Total weight loss: -18.2 lb.
We’re in the new year. The time when many of us vow to lose weight.
I’m no exception. Only this year I made my resolution a little broader. It’s to make smarter choices. That includes what I eat, how much I exercise — but it also goes beyond that.
It’s knowing when to put myself first, when work is more important than play (and vice versa), when I’m being too hard on myself or too easy, and holding myself accountable.
Among those smarter choices — not letting a setback (and I’m sure there will be some) keep me down. The thing about resolutions is that many of us break them, or get discouraged when results don’t come right away. But when that happens, I think the best thing is to acknowledge it and then move forward. To get back to what works.
Right now the gym is packed with people. That will dwindle over the weeks and months to come. I don’t want to be one of those people who disappear. I want to push forward. I want to stay strong. And I’m going to do it.
This time of year feels like a fresh start. Now the trick is making the most of it — and remembering this feeling when things get tougher.
So my thoughts on the start of 2010: I’ll use the new year, the new decade as a leap in the right direction. But I won’t go blindly. I’m going to keep my eyes open. I’m going to think before I act. I’m going to be smart. I’m not going to let a bad day or week knock me down. I am going to reach my goal.
Categories:
My weight loss
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Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Progress Report
Starting weight: 182 lb.
Current weight: 164.0 lb.
Current week: +2.4lb.
Total weight loss: 17.6 lb.
I did not want to end the year with a gain. I did not want to end the year with total weight loss of less than 20 pounds.
But I did.
Over this last week of celebrations, I wasn’t as careful as I should have been, and I paid the price. There is definitely the part of me that wants to beat myself up. After all, how could I let this happen?
But I am going to move forward. I am going to make this the kick in the pants I need to really get out of this rut where my weight has barely moved. (Especially now that is has moved — in the wrong direction).
This week was a setback, but it is by no means an obstacle I can’t get over.
Sometimes we have to fight for what we want — and not take no for an answer. There’s no giving up because things didn’t go the way we want.
If I gave up because of a setback I wouldn’t have a book published today. My first manuscript was turned down. But I didn’t let that stop me. I sat down and wrote something else. And something else — until I came up with Bedeviled and sold it. Now the second book in the series, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly Dress, comes out in just over a week. And I’m currently working on the third one.
The first time I pitched WeightWatchers.com about writing a blog, I didn’t hear back. So I pitched again.
And I can list a zillion more examples.
If I didn’t give up with those things, why should my weight, my health (the most important thing), be any different?
The answer? It’s not.
I’m a fighter. And in 2010 I’m fighting for myself. For my health. And no matter how you ended this year, with a loss or a gain or exactly the same, I hope you will too.
Happy New Year!
Categories:
General, Health, Love & life, My weight loss
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Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Progress Report
Starting weight: 182 lb.
Current weight: 161.6 lb.
Current week: +0.0lb.
Total weight loss: -20.0 lb.
With the holidays and surrounding parties, I’ve been running into a bunch of people I haven’t seen in ages — including some I dated.
As it turns out, one of these guys is now good friends with an old friend of mine.
After the run-in I got a call from the mutual friend. He wanted to know what happened between me and this guy. Why we stopped dating. I said I had no idea — that he just stopped calling. But the truth was, I assumed I was too fat for him. That I must have been wearing more flattering clothes the first few times we went out, and he didn’t realize my true size until later.
I mean, this guy was in incredible shape. He even did personal training on the side. What would he want with someone like me? At least that was what I thought.
Turns out I was wrong.
My friend told me the guy didn’t know why it ended. That he thought I wasn’t interested. That he wanted to go out with me again. And would I be interested?
I was floored.
I had jumped to conclusions. Conclusions that involved my appearance. I didn’t take my attitude into account. It didn’t cross my mind that my insecurities were translating as disinterest. I figured he found someone prettier — someone thinner.
It was another wake-up call.
A reminder that I’m too hard on myself. My weight is only one aspect of who I am. I can’t stop living, waiting for the day I hit goal. I have live life to the fullest while I continue to work toward it.
Size isn’t everything. This guy was a reminder of that. Confidence and self-assuredness go a long way.
So I’m going to go into this week standing tall and proud. Fighting my insecurities. And I hope you do too.
Happy holidays!
Categories:
Friends, Fun, General, Love & life, My weight loss
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Thursday, December 17, 2009
Progress Report
Starting weight: 182 lb.
Current weight: 161.6 lb.
Current week: +0.4lb.
Total weight loss: -20.0 lb.
This was a tough week — well, eating-wise.
I went out every single night. Between work parties, holiday gatherings, and catching up with friends, I was busy. And every event involved food.
It was tough not to munch on every single thing around me, because I wanted to. But I also wanted to fit into my clothes. So while I did eat, I made choices. If I was going to have the potato latke, I skipped the dessert.
If I was having a heavier dinner, I skipped drinks — sticking with water or diet soda.
And I tried to walk places. Although in the bitter cold that was more of a challenge. Still, I have been talking the stairs at home (when I’m not in heels). Although I do find myself forgetting. I have to consciously remind myself when I walk in the building to go up the stairs.
I’ve been sticking to my plan for the holidays, but it’s a challenge. The holidays and the weeks leading up to them are busy. But there are always excuses for why a week is hard, whether it’s a friend’s wedding, birthday party, reunion, holiday, etc. So I’m just going to forge on through.
Yes, some weeks will prove harder than others — some I’ll do well, and some I’ll slip up. But I’m keeping with it. Because I’m not looking for a temporary fix. I’m looking for a new way of life.
Categories:
Food, General, Love & life, My weight loss
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Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Progress Report
Starting weight: 182 lb.
Current weight: 161.2 lb.
Current week: -0.4lb.
Total weight loss: -20.4 lb.
I live on the fifth floor of a building. I take the elevator. And yet, a few days ago I paid someone to make me run up stairs. I haven't quite rationalized that yet — why I couldn't just motivate myself? But a boot camp class got me to do it. And it kicked my butt in the process.
I thought that with all the holiday parties, exercise would be a good defense against the extra calories. So I tried the class. And it lived up to its name. I am still sore today. So much so — and here's one for the "too much information" file — that I actually had to hold on to the counter and wall just so I could lower myself onto the toilet.
The class was advertised as being for all shapes and sizes, but most of the people looked pretty fit to me. My first reaction was to bolt out of there, but I decided one hour couldn't kill me. (Although the scary release they made me sign said that was a possibility).
I ran, did jumping jacks, a crawl, crunches (with legs in the air), push-ups and squats, and then there were the stairs. To the 12th floor, we were ordered. When I hit number nine I wanted to stop. OK, I wanted to stop a lot earlier than that. But nine was when I didn't think I could go any further — not after all those other exercises.
Everyone had already started to come down the stairs, and I was still climbing up. They were all encouraging, and the last woman to pass me, who looked pretty tired herself, even offered to go the rest of the way back up with me. I told her no. But it motivated me to go the rest of the way.
If this out-of-breath woman was willing to do three extra flights just to help a stranger, then the least I could do was push myself.
I was not in my comfort zone. I was the most out-of-shape person there. Enough so that the instructors — two marines — sent people to look for me on my way down the stairs. (Talk about embarrassing! Fortunately, I was almost done by that point.) I did modified versions of some of the exercises. At one point my jumping jacks turned into jogging in place, even when everyone else was doing them perfectly. I felt out of place. But I didn't let it stop me. I even went back up those stairs.
Because sometimes it's the things that aren't fun that are the most rewarding.
Will I go back?
I'm not sure. The instructors were great, but after the trial class, you have to sign up for a minimum of 10. And I'm not sure I'm ready for that. (I don't like feeling like I'm 90 when I go to the bathroom). So I'm thinking I'm going to try hitting the gym and getting a little stronger first.
And then there are always those stairs in my building. I think it's time to actually use them.
Categories:
Fitness, General, Love & life, My weight loss
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Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Progress Report
Starting weight: 182 lb.
Current weight: .6 lb.
Current week: +0.4lb.
Total weight loss: -20.0 lb.
Thanksgiving came and went.
This year it didn’t scare me so much — I knew what I was going to eat. It’s pretty much the same menu every year, so I planned ahead. Filled up on vegetables, and while I did have some of the starchy sides, I tried to keep the servings small.
So I made it through the day and the week — with only a small gain.
Now the real challenge is here: December. We’re in prime holiday party time. People bring cookies and candy into work, go out for drinks, dinners, lunches, etc., and the calories add up.
This is what scares me: Thanksgiving was just a day, but it launched the holiday season — the holiday eating season.
And it’s hard — at least for me — to say no to junk food when everyone around me is eating it, or to order the grilled fish when the person next to me is having the pasta, or to have water while everyone else is sipping yummy holiday drinks.
But I’m trying.
Like with Thanksgiving, I have a plan. While I won’t know the exact menu or all the foods I’ll encounter, I do know some smart choices I can make.
I’m not going to let myself use my extra POINTS® values when I see something that looks good in the grocery store. I’m going to save them for when I know I’m really going to want them — for those holiday festivities.
I’m going to bring snacks with me to work — vegetables, fruit, low-POINTS-value snack packs. So when the fudge and cookies make the rounds, I won’t have the excuse of “I’m only eating it because I’m hungry.” I’ll have healthy options instead. And I’ll make sure to move away any junk food that is placed in my line of vision.
I’m not going to say to no to everything that comes my way, but I’m not going to say yes to everything either. I’m going to be aware of portion size, how food is prepared and how much is going into my mouth.
And before I eat something that’s high in POINTS values, I’m going to make sure I really want it. There’s no reason for me to use my POINTS values on apple pie when I’m really not a fan. If I’m going to splurge, it better be worth it. And even then, I don’t need to eat the whole thing.
I’m going to try to stay within my POINTS Allowance. I know some days and weeks will be harder than others. But I’m up for the challenge.
And as added incentive, I have a formal party at the end of the month. I know the more I stick to the Weight Watchers plan, the better I’ll look in my dress. And I just need to keep reminding myself of that when the holiday treats call my name.
Categories:
General, Love & life, My weight loss
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