Yesterday was about as insighful as it goes for me. I read and reread my blog and while it may have appeared I wanted to go lie down on train tracks, I assure you I did not. My biggest problem was that I was afraid if I put faith in myself, if I told myself yes, this time you can do it...I would just fail and then it might be another 2 years before I start again. I can't really afford another 2 years at this weight. I weight 296 pounds. Yikes. Yesterday I was giving myself permission to fail so that I didn't feel like such a failure. Make sense? Probably not, but it's a little game I play with myself. I think that's why I haven't told anyone (except for my bff) that I joined WW. I guess I feel like I need to get to the point where I believe in myself before I "ask" anyone else to believe in me.
The outpouring of friend requests, supportive comments and just general acceptance here makes me feel like quite possibly I can do this. I'm not ready to say I can yet, but I'm working on it. I still hear that voice in my head that says "this is just like all your other attempts". I guess for now that's ok. One of these days a light bulb will go off and I'll feel better about all this and maybe just maybe I'll succeed this time. We'll see.
I think the first thing I have to do is change my idea of success. I want to get down to a reasonable 160. I remember looking pretty good at that weight. But the idea of losing 136 pounds is so completely overwhelming I don't even know where to begin. However, I think I can safely begin with 5 pounds. So for my purposes right now all I have to lose is 5 pounds. No one will be able to tell, I won't even know unless I step on a scale, but 5 pounds is what I want to lose. Not a pound more, not yet.
I lost 1 pound this week and that was completely without trying and after a substantial binge yesterday. But I tracked every last bit of it. Instead of beating myself up for the binge, I high fived myself for tracking. That in itself was just shy of a miracle. So today, I will track. Everything. Right now I'm going to go measure my Total cereal, my wheat toast and figure out if it's possible to eye ball a teaspoon of butter. Ya, this is possible. Well atleast I think it is. :-)
My weight loss