A Peek at Some of the Junk in My Attic

Written by klbente (kristi) on 2/14/2012 3:14 PM | COMMENTS (11)

Today I read a series of blog posts that I know was intended to be helpful but they really rattled my cage. Allow me to explain a bit. Throughout my life, I’ve not only struggled with obesity, I’ve also struggled with both anxiety and depression. When I was in my early twenties and was working a very high stress job, my anxiety got so bad that I was having panic attacks, severe insomnia and was experiencing physical manifestations such as bleeding gums, hair loss and throwing up several times a day. I eventually ended up locked in the loony bin for 4 days after it all reached a crisis and my mother found me sobbing on the living room floor unable to calm down or even speak coherently of what was bothering me. I joke calling it the loony bin; it was the best thing for me and it saved my life. After that, I landed in an out-patient program where I received cognitive behavioral therapy, medications and learned bio-feedback techniques. I also changed my career path to something far less stressful. In the process, I was diagnosed with mild depression and generalized anxiety disorder.

Those two diagnoses are still valid today. I am not cured of them; I manage them. Yet sometimes, one or the other, or both in tandem will rear their thorny heads. Sometimes, things get stuck in my head and I will worry, fret, chew and mutter over them. They will keep me awake at night, nattering about in my brain and thumping on my emotions. Then the blues set in, the feelings of inadequacy, of worthlessness, of bone deep fear that something bad is going to happen and it will all be my fault.

I’ve learned coping mechanisms over the years and for the most part, I do well. People who don’t know me would never think that this strong, intelligent, assertive woman wrestles with silly anxieties, atavistic fears and depression demons. But I can, and I do, get ridiculously triggered and overwhelmed by the most innocuous stuff. This takes me back to those blog posts I read today.

The posts were by someone here that I’ve come to admire in a very short time. She is a role model to me and I find that she is full of sensible and positive advice. If I didn’t have these mental aberrations, I would have read her posts in the spirit in which they were intended and that spirit was all about sharing and helping. Instead, my blasted brain took them, twisted them into something ugly, and now I’m worrying, fretting, chewing and muttering over them. The posts were lists of things to stop doing in order to be successful. As I read them, I ran headlong into things that I do now and while I know I should just stop, I can’t. Each stop this, stop that, stop the other, in that list that I found applied to my current behavior was like being thumped on the knuckles with a ruler. “Bad girl!” my brain said. “Bad, bad, rotten girl! YOU FAILURE.”

*takes a deep breath*

*takes another deep breath, wipes her eyes*

I am neither bad nor am I a failure nor am I a girl. I am a smart, strong, intelligent woman, full grown. I just have some junk in my attic that I need to toss out but when I look at the whole mess in there, I get overwhelmed. When I look at the total weight I need to lose, I get overwhelmed. When I take everything on at once, I get overwhelmed.

I. Must. Take. Little. Steps.

Little steps. Daily battles. Small victories. Move a little junk here. Clean a little junk here. Toss a piece out over there.

I have lost 16 pounds since January. I have 14 pounds to go to my next goal weight. I don’t have to change everything at once. I don’t. I can do this. One little step at a time, one pound at a time, one small piece of junk at a time. Take that, brain!

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  • Post Image krazedkim67

    2/16/2012 9:15 AM
    I have also struggled with depression and anxiety for many years, so I totally relate to the hurdles that you have jumped through and will continue to jump through. I know that my medications help, but I have to say that God has been my biggest help. God doesn't love junk and He loves me. I am worth the daily fight - and so are you =)

  • Post Image klbente (kristi)

    2/15/2012 11:06 AM
    Thank you, everyone. Y'all helped me through this. I'm doing MUCH better today.

  • Post Image shadowdragn1 (amie)

    2/14/2012 7:44 PM
    16 pounds is an amazing accomplishment! You're doing great.

  • Post Image shoppinginmycloset (christine)

    2/14/2012 7:12 PM
    Kristi, you are doing it, your way, by your pace...and that is just wonderful. Happy Valentine's Day!

  • Post Image diane donato

    2/14/2012 5:44 PM
    My paranoia was from uncontrolled diabetes! Had I not started ww again I would not be incontrol of my life! Im glad that there are "real people" out here to talk to & who understand what everyone is going through. No 1 is perfect cause if we were the world would be very boring.

  • Post Image shellybean826 (michele)

    2/14/2012 5:07 PM
    (cont) but as you say ..its all about baby steps. so breathe in and breathe out and remember that things dont have to be changed all at once or overnight. and believe me im dealing with something right now ..that makes no sense at all ...and it would be very easy for someone to come in and say im doing something wrong ...its your journey and your body and if you are losing weight .then its working :) ..

  • Post Image shellybean826 (michele)

    2/14/2012 5:05 PM
    oh Kristi :( ..i too have anxiety and clinical depression. there are times i should of ended up in the loony bin LOL .so i understand all too well what you are talking about. BUT remember, when someone does blog posts or status posts and says in order to be successful ..what they are REALLY saying is "this is what worked for me." ....cause how can anyone tell you what is going to work for you ??? I too have read things that have been posted and thought "OMG i do that !!!!"

  • Post Image muidiri77

    2/14/2012 4:20 PM
    (((Kristi))) You ARE a strong, intelligent, assertive woman, whom I admire very much. Every day, I feel honored to be allowed in your life. Little steps are all it takes, just one after another. I know you can do this, which means I can too!

  • Post Image tedviveiros24 (ted)

    2/14/2012 4:09 PM
    Good post. I know what you are talking about. My wife had some helpful therapy from some childhood issues. She was neglected by an alcoholic mother. The therapy was very beneficial. As far as your journey goes, I think you have a healthy attitude. Think... one day at a time, one meal at a time, one pound at a time. There is no hurry here. Just 20 pounds can make a huge difference in how you feel. Everyday, in every way, we are getting better and better. Good luck.

  • Post Image beth9303 (beth)

    2/14/2012 4:01 PM
    Kristi, I'm so glad you have strategies to help you deal with the anxiety you're feeling. I've come to realize that like you, the ONLY way I can approach losing the next 94 pounds and keeping it off, is one little step at a time. I've removed 27.8 pounds and I'm very happy about that. I'm really filling my brain with WW philosphy and affirmations. I spend a lot of time on the computer, but the messages are helping me succeed.

  • Post Image pboveejo

    2/14/2012 3:24 PM
    I second every word you wrote. I have my BRAIN on high alert today. If he fails me my bottom is the boss tomorrow!! Between you and I; I think BRAIN is scared and very well better be.


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