Moment of bravery

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Here I am.

I bit the bullet and stepped on the scale this morning for the first time in more than a month.

In that month there have been vacations, stress, temptations, and somewhere along the way, my wagon went missing.

Where in the world did that sucker go?

Time to find it. And my first step was getting on that scale.

Where the scale is in my house is in the tiny little room reserved only for the toilet in the master bath. Weighing sometimes feels it almost seems poetic.

Every day I walk in there and that scale calls to me. It taunts me. It reminds me that I'm not on my game.

This morning I had a flash of bravery and stepped on.

I knew I'd gained. I had a number in mind. I didn't want to be over that number. But I feared the worst.

I came out 1.1 pound lower than that number. I'll take it.

Overall, it's 3 pounds up from my last weight. But only three pounds? I'll take that. I can deal with that.

Looking at the bright side...I'm in a better place right now. I feel in control. I control what goes in the pantry and the fridge. That makes it easier to control what goes in my mouth.

I'm setting a comfortable routine around my new home. I'm getting more activity in...and with more chores and work, there's less time to snack. That has been my downfall in the past.

My elliptical machine is still chilling out in the garage right now. We need to make room for it in the "entertainment room" but right now that's kind of our staging place for boxes and things we can't unpack just yet. Like all of our books. We need new bookshelves. Target ALWAYS has our bookshelves on sale...until we need to buy them.

I'm HOPING for a sale this weekend. Staying positive. If not, I'll attempt to push our books off to the side so I can bring my old friend back in from exile. It's past time to get to work.

Categories: General


Comments (see all 3 comments)

JENNIFER7010 (Jennifer)

6/20/2014 10:06 PM
Great to feel in control! Keep it up!

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My BIG FAT update

Monday, June 02, 2014




All of which are AMAZING things.

DBF and I closed on our home a little more than two weeks ago. We moved in unexpectedly this last Wednesday (happens when your puppy trashes your old bed...but you've got a new one in a different location...).

It's been a comedy of errors since closing day. No hot water for a week. We had to replace (unexpectedly) every single faucet and shower head in the house. Issues delivering our new kitchen table. Issues getting a garage door opener installed. Air conditioner decided to freeze up and since the heat is just now descending on Missouri, HVAC techs everywhere are swamped.

But I love it.

It's a HOT mess.

But it's my hot mess. With my stuff. And my animals. And DBF. And no one else.


Just before we moved, I roadtripped to Tennessee with my parents to see my niece graduate. We stayed with my sister. I survived, but didn't eat a single bit of produce the ENTIRE time. I felt so awful when I got home. I've literally had a salad at least almost every day since then.

I've not stepped on a scale in a couple weeks. I'm not sure I want to know.

I'm physically uncomfortable. So I know the number won't be what I want to see.

Right now I'm going to take a week or two on plan, back to eating healthy, before I weigh again.

We went grocery shopping over the weekend and I stocked my fridge and my pantry with only healthy stuff. It feels amazing to have that kind of control again.

I can't wait to start cooking :) <3

Categories: General


Comments (see all 1 comments)


6/2/2014 6:09 PM
Woot! Congrats on closing and finally getting to move into your new HOME! I know what it is like to temporary give up that control and it sucks.

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Side by side comparison and my result

Tuesday, May 06, 2014

So...picking up where we left off...confusion between WW and MFP...and weighing myself every day...

I'd been showing steady losses the last few days, balancing myself between the systems. Yesterday morning when I weighed myself, I was down 1.5 pounds from Thursday.

After yesterday...not so much.

I'm working a shifted work schedule this week. Instead of Mon-Fri, I'm Tues-Sat. So I was home alone yesterday. With lots and lots of food. And I wasn't on my usual eating schedule. So I ate. A lot.

Lots and lots.

Every time I turned around I was putting more food in my mouth.

I was clearly eating out of boredom (lesson one learned in this post).

But what I was eating was healthy. So I didn't feel too bad. I was over my points by 4, and over my designated calories by about 120. I didn't feel like it was a big deal.

I jumped on the scale this morning.

Up 1.7 pounds.

So, actually higher than Thursday's weight.

Consider this lesson two learned.


So here's what I'm thinking.

I'm given 38 dp's. I ate 42 yesterday and did no exercise. I didn't even hit my step goal. I also ate a little more than 1,700 calories. My calorie goal is around 1,550.

I realize this is one day, it's hard to draw overarching conclusions based on one day. I'm not using these conclusions as law. Just guidelines to try.

I'm thinking I need to really stick with my DP's unless I have activity on that specific day to back it up. That would mean shifting my tracker to using AP's first, and only on a daily basis.

ALSO...that says when I've been shifting my WP's out to use over the week, I've been eating a TON of calories. I need to focus on the AP's not the WP's.

Side dish I ate for lunch yesterday was salty chinese food. I know that can cause a big shift in water weight for one day, in addition to my normal weekly fluctuations AND in addition to the larger volume of food I had yesterday.

I feel like I'm learning some interesting things about myself. I've never deconstructed my daily diet and bodily habits like this before. My analytical mind is turning its gears and thinking things through. I'm hoping the end result will be what I need.

Categories: My weight loss


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May Munchie Madness!

Friday, May 02, 2014

Day one in the books. Tracked everything. Learning new lessons on My Fitness Pal.

Lesson 1: Don't give too much credence to the "Calories Burned" estimate between Fitbit and MFP.

At the end of the day I showed I still had 150 calories I could eat b/c I'd earned 111 through exercise with my fitbit.

I get up this morning to zero everything out and end my previous day...aaaaaaand I'd gone over my calorie allotment by 50 calories.

Whatever. I can walk across the room and burn those 50 calories. It just irritates me that I went from in the green to in the red on MFP literally overnight without eating anything extra. My guess is that it calculates that on your step goal rather than what you're actually getting - and it does that by measuring your pace. Got it.

Weighed myself this morning like I said I would.

Dead even. I'll take it.

I think my points allotment allows me to eat a considerably larger amount of calories than MFP. I still haven't decided how to remedy that disparity. I currently get 38 points per day, which seems like a lot. My previous attempts on WW had me start around 32 points per day (all on the P+ system) and I set a routine around that. yesterday I had 6 points leftover after eating my allotted calories (set to 1,550). Part of me says "eat the extra points" while the other part say "Yo - watch your calories" which is where I run in to two conflicting tracking programs.

I think my answer for this week will be, "eat to where you feel comfortable."

If I'm still hungry...I'll go for those extra points. If I feel fine and my energy isn't suffering, I'll stick with my calories.

This may very well end up driving me crazy. We'll see as time goes on.

Categories: My weight loss


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Up again?

Thursday, May 01, 2014

I'm going to lose my mind, I think.

I'm up a half pound from last week.

I realize a half pound is probably no big deal. But WTH!!!!!

I kind of want to scream.

Something's not right here. And I don't know what.

So I'm putting a few other changes in place...

I'm going back to double tracking with MFP...this will help me break down my macros and my nutrients. I've already tracked 2/3 of my day. And this will be interesting I think since my fitbit directly imports my activity.

I am going to weigh EVERY DAY. I know that sounds crazy. But I need to understand my body's processes. I think doing this for at least a week, maybe a month, but not forever will help. I also know that I tend to behave myself the night before I get on a hopefully this will promote that mentality to last longer.

NO MORE CHOCOLATE unless it's got a Weight Watcher's sticker on it. My cravings are bad. I do not think I overdid it. I really don't. But maybe I can't see the forest through the trees. And actually, this pretty much goes for most snacks.

I need to work more raw foods back into the plan.

This morning I threw together a smoothie with a banana, raspberries, strawberries, a smidge of pineapple juice (tracked for points) and ice. I need to make sure I've got a fruit/veggie with every meal - I haven't been doing that. So this morning's smoothie was a start. I've got lettuce/tomato with my lunch. If dinner is what I think it is...I'll have oranges and celery to go with that.

And I'm going to make a point to slice an apple and have that with a little PB2 for my afternoon snack.

I will get this DONE gosh darn it.

House update: Appraisal report should come back tomorrow. Lender is trying to push things through. We anticipate closing in less than two weeks :)

Categories: General


Comments (see all 2 comments)

MRSQ33 (Ashley)

5/1/2014 11:58 AM
Less processed foods! I never lose if I am eating lots of processed things. Stay away from things that you have to open the box/bag first. :)

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Appreciating quiet

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Since my schedule is making a temporary shift to Tues-Sat for the next two weeks, I had yesterday off of work.

It was my first day off at home without my parents and without DBF in MONTHS.

And it was glorious.

You don't realize how much you miss the quiet...until you can't have that quiet for a long period of time.

For the most part yesterday, I just did laundry. And more laundry. And still laundry. Nine loads actually, and I'm not done yet (the joys of sharing a washer/dryer as well...) But in between loads I took some time to kick back on the recliner with a dog or two or four plus maybe some cats on my lap...and appreciate the quiet.

I think in the past it's been hard for me to do that...apartment complexes aren't exactly conducive to quiet. But houses are. And it dawned on me that soon...I'll be able to do this in a house of my own :)

We are currently under contract...finally...on the fourth house we offered on. And it passed inspection with flying colors. Our lender has all of our financial information dating back to every single time we've ever picked our all that's left to do now is wait.

We're scheduled to close May 15. Our lender wants to get things done before that. So hopefully, soon, you see me blogging about the joys of home ownership...not just the depressing ups and downs of getting to that point.

In the meantime, I'm working on getting back to my own healthy eating plan.

Sitting at home with loads and loads of junk food around me yesterday wasn't ideal. I majorly overdid it on the Pirates Booty...but there are worst things to overdo...and I tracked my best estimate of what I ate (I put it down for 5 servings to be safe...ouch). So I feel better at least having an idea of where I stand right now.

I'm pretty proud of myself actually. I know the best chance I have to stay on track is to be honest about what I eat. I haven't been the best behaved dieter this week...but I HAVE been honest about tracking. And seeing the number of points I HAVEN'T used has been the most helpful for me. Normally if I overdo it...I continue to overdo it...I just dig my hole deeper and deeper until a new week starts, when I inevitable pick myself back up by my proverbial bootstraps and get back to tracking...until inevitably, the munchies strike again. Seeing that even though I've overdone it, that I still have wiggle room with my WP's and AP's, has been invaluable this weekend. I think that alone has saved me from additional binges.

Now I just have to stretch this into Thursday for my weigh-in.

Categories: General


Comments (see all 1 comments)

ANNEK46 (Anne)

4/29/2014 9:13 AM
I can't wait for pics of the house---fingers and toes crossed. Keep tracking---you can do this!

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Looking for my motivation

Monday, April 21, 2014

Happy Monday, all!

It's rainy here, which made it even more difficult to roll out of bed at 4:30 this morning after a mini-vacation this weekend.

All I wanted to do was sleeeeep and I'm sure my body could have used more. But, we do what we can.

This weekend was so much fun. DBF and I really did need some time to get away from everything, and everyone. I've missed having our little space. And I was thrilled to get it back, if only for a weekend.

But...hopefully we won't have to go long w/o time to ourselves because...

after a MONTH of waiting...we're FINALLY under contract on our DREAM HOME!!!

Fannie Mae is throwing every single hiccup they possibly can at us. Like EVERYTHING. If we'd been able to operate off of our original timeline, we would've closed this coming Wednesday. We didn't even get our part of the contract signed until Friday, so FM won't sign until today or tomorrow. DUMB.

But...we've been cleared to inspect on Thursday. And since the listing agent has to turn all the utilities on for us, I'm sure we won't have to deal with more broken pipes. Thank goodness.

Tentatively we're scheduled to close May 16th (haven't cleared that with Fannie Mae yet...they've got to execute the contract first but that's when our lender has us down for). We fully expect to wrap up earlier than that. I'm crossing my fingers for that b/c if brings me back to my trip this last weekend.

My intuition was right. DBF had planned on proposing. But he doesn't have the ring yet. We need to get the house out of underwriting before he puts the final payment on it (he told me this). He said it's coming SOON. And he does have a ring. He'd planned everything for this weekend, but our troubles with houses held everything up.

(...which really makes me even more angry about this housing situation.) clicked this weekend (and I don't know why this weekend and not two years ago...) that an engagement ring means dress shopping. And I hate dress shopping b/c I hate how I look right now.

So I'm finding new motivation. I have to. Failure is not an option. I will not walk down the aisle in a size 20 wedding dress. I'd love it to be a 14.

Can I do that in a year?

I guess we're about to see...

Categories: General


Comments (see all 2 comments)

STEPHR11 (Stephanie)

4/22/2014 11:57 AM
You can do it!!! Congratulations!!!

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Houseless, hanging back, and hanging in

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Hey all.

I promise I'm still around :)

I'm still a bit of a storm cloud...I feel like anything I'd have to write right now would be depressing so I've been hanging back from posting. But I'm hanging in there.

I've been gaining and losing the same two pounds, still teetering near my highest weight ever for the last couple weeks.

I'm not happy about it, but I'm not exactly in the best of places at the moment...I can only control so many things in my environment.

I'm still house-less (not homeless). The house I posted about last time is still stuck in limbo. We've been told Fannie Mae intends to accept our offer. But said offer keeps getting lost in their system. Yesterday marked three weeks since we initially placed our offer in on this house. And our contract states we're due to close in a week...seeing as how we don't even have an executed contract, that's obviously not going to happen.

DBF and I have been at odds over it a bit. I am so tired of this whole process. We've really had a horrible time of it. This is the fourth house we've offered on. I feel like it's a lot to ask someone to fall in love with four different houses. After three weeks of waiting, I'm ready to cut my losses. I'm tired of being jerked around by the bank. If it takes house #5, then that's what it takes. I want somewhere to live that's my own. I want to live somewhere OTHER than my parents basement. I can't control my environment at my parents house. I need my own space so I can get back to my own life and my own plans. And it'd be so nice to have DBF back alone. I miss our tiny little apartment in Montgomery.

(See? This is depressing. I'm sorry, y'all.)

We're giving Fannie Mae until tomorrow to accept our stuff. If not...we'll need to reassess and maybe start looking again. I think DBF is ready to be rid of the whole thing as well. But he wants to wait this house out.

I know it's only Tuesday, but I'm looking forward to this coming weekend.

It will FINALLY be the trip that DBF is taking us on for my birthday (ya know...I've only been waiting for this since February...). It's just a staycation at a cute little boutique hotel just over the Kansas state line. But it'll be time away from work, from my parents, from the puppy (I love the dog...but man, he's still not past the stage where I can take my eyes off of him yet), and from life in general. And I'm not-so-secretly hoping a shiny rock for a certain finger comes out of this trip (I have reason to believe it might...but I'm trying not to get my hopes up in case it doesn't happen).

So that's my life right now.

I'm still reading everybody's posts. I'm trying to be a little more active on the boards. I makes it easier for me to be accountable, I think. Even though I feel super awkward about it right now. And I'm happy to see a familiar face back on here (I'm looking at you Shaina).

One of these days I'll get my stuff back together, I promise.

Categories: Love & life


Comments (see all 3 comments)


4/15/2014 1:27 PM
Man, I'm really sorry about the sucky experience with buying a's not easy, but your experience has been one of the worst. Hopefully things will start to get back on track for you guys. I also hope this weekend turns out be everything you are hoping for and more!

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Collecting my thoughts

Friday, March 28, 2014

I've been really quiet for a while.

I feel like everything good I posted about last time on the board just fell apart. I needed some time to focus on me, and do it privately, before I could come back to the blog.

Without waxing are the bullet points:

- We lost the house. We caught flack from HUD while trying to inspect. We couldn't complete the inspection b/c the pipes burst in the house BEFORE they winterized it. There were loads of other problems they hadn't disclosed. We had to walk away. I was heartbroken. On top of that, they threatened to keep our earnest money...and losing $1,000, on TOP of the $500 we spent on inspections/necessary paperwork for it, wasn't an option if we wanted to keep looking.

- I gained.

- I gained some more.

- Then I gained a lot more. And I'm really not sure how it happened. I'm REALLY not. I was tracking. Things were in line. And BOOM. All of a sudden I'm back at my highest starting weight. And the next week BOOM...I'm above it setting a new high. Also devastating. It makes no sense. Still looking back, I'm not sure where that horrendous gain came in. Approximately 10 pounds in 3ish weeks.

- I hurt my back. I think this has to do with my weight gain - my muscles just can't support the added poundage.

So...that all sucked.

I think stress from the house and the weight gain further helped to facilitate more weight gain. That, and according to fitbit, I've only been averaging around 4 hours of sleep each night. And whatever has been acting up in my back has kept me out of the gym.

So...this is me looking at all the positive things happening now...weeks later.

I lost 2 pounds last week. And I did it without tracking. I feel like I needed a re-set, and that's what I got. Now I'm back to my tracker.

Another thing that I think contributed to losing that weight?


Not the show...

Dexter is the almost-3-month-old Chocolate Lab/German Shorthaired Pointer mix DBF and I adopted from the shelter on Sunday. He's adorable. And he's a crazy ball of energy. I've been so busy keeping up with him (and running after him) all week, that I haven't had the time to snack that I normally struggle with. AND running after him means I hit my goal on fitbit (5,000 steps per day) for five days in a row for the first time ever. Yesterday would've been the 6th, and I didn't quite make it. My back decided to flare up again. I need to get more of this weight off and hope that won't been an issue going forward. If not, a Dr.'s visit is in my future.

We were told on Friday we would get our earnest money back from our last house. Thank god. That's $1,000 that we just couldn't lose. I picked the check up on Monday. We also submitted an offer for another house on Monday. We got our counter offer yesterday. We countered again. We should hear back today. I'm hopeful. And because this sucker is almost brand-spanking-new...I don't think inspection will come up with many issues. I'm trying to stay very, very positive. This has been such a difficult journey.

Because of my back issues, I started taking a single Tylenol PM before going to bed - just enough to relax things. I've been sleeping SO MUCH BETTER. I feel so much better when I wake up in the morning. I've been getting 1-2 hours MORE sleep every night. The catch 22 on that one...I don't want to keep supplementing myself with Tylenol. I need to start researching a few other methods. I think better sleep will just help everything I'm going through right now.

One last thing...


Categories: General


Comments (see all 1 comments)


3/29/2014 9:31 AM
You've been under a tremendous amount of stress and even if you were doing every point exactly on it would have helped you gain at the scale - it does horrible things to the body. Hope this house goes through and you can move on!

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A good night's sleep is the best medicine!

Friday, March 07, 2014

We're back!

We've been back. I've just been too busy to blog.

Why you ask?


But more on that in a minute...

As expected/planned...I ate everything in sight in Montgomery. It was awesome. What was not awesome was my weigh in yesterday morning. So all I'm going to say is that it was bad. And I'm moving on. I'll head back to the gym tomorrow - hopefully I'll be back to where I was before in a week (or more likely, two).

We ended up driving back in the middle of snowmageddon on Sunday. What should have taken us 12-13 hours...actually took 15 hours. A stretch that should have been a 30 minute breeze, took us close to two hours because the interstate in that section hadn't been treated properly and it was SOLID ICE.

I was beside myself. It was terrifying. NOT FUN. I think if the road hadn't cleared up where it did, we would have pulled off in the middle of nowhere at a no-tell motel to stay the night. It wasn't a good situation.

Monday, I was exhausted of course. And I was eating all the leftover roadtrip food. BAD BAD BAD.

Tuesday we got the awesome news that our bid was selected for the HUD home we'd wanted. So Tuesday night...all night...was spent at our Realtor's office putting together a hand-written (in blue ink...the government requires documents to be filled out by hand in blue ink...) executed offer that we then had to OVERNIGHT to the home's executor in TEXAS. We're in Missouri, y'all. This whole process is just off-the-wall weird. And despite our exhaustion from the last few days...we were too excited to sleep.

Wednesday starts the barrage of emails from our mortgage broker with questions on funding and what not and where we're pulling the money from for our loan/downpayment/ect. And then there was the surprise that we needed two months in arrears for the sake of loan processing. We have it but we can't spend a single red penny out of my bank account for the sake of a safety net until the loan goes through.

That irritates me. We've been in the middle of this process for two months. No one ever told us we needed that. Heck, this is the cheapest house we've looked at (which is AWESOME), the other two houses we offered on were more expensive. We totally wouldn't have had the funds when/where/how they would have wanted us to. It's not that they need the funds for anything. We're not spending them on anything related to the house. They just have to be in the bank. Irritating. Cue the stress. We didn't sleep well.

Then Thursday morning was weigh in...that was ugly. And that's all we're gonna say about that.

I was tired. I was stressed. I was cranky. So when I got home from work yesterday I conked out at 2:30 and slept until close to 6. That was AWESOME. We went back to the Realtor's office, signed another version of the executed contract (if you make a single mistake, you've got to do the whole thing over again and overnight it this case, our Realtor had used white-out on the sheet. That was the mistake. **** . That's our gov't at work ladies and gentlemen...) We got back, had a small dinner...then I slept HARD from 9 to 4:15 a.m. when the alarm went off.

I needed that. I'm relaxed. There's less stress. I'm not tired or cranky. I'm back on the healthy/fulfilling food train, not the "any junk I can find" train, and my energy levels are better.

I thought about stepping on the scale to see if it's water weight I'm dealing with, but I'm going to give it a day or two before doing that. I don't want to ruin the cloud I'm riding on right now.

Categories: General


Comments (see all 1 comments)


3/7/2014 1:28 PM
Congratulations! I am so excited for you guys and your new home! Trust me, once the deal is all settled, and you start moving in and setting up the home you want, you'll be racking up serious AP's.

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